# Revision Example Bank

These synthetic examples are designed for practice and direct reuse as editing patterns. They do not replace the complete real examples preserved in `source-archive/`.

## Contents

- Informational and encyclopedic prose
- Research and academic prose
- Professional and project communication
- Marketing and product copy
- UX writing
- Teaching and instructional writing
- Profiles and biographies
- Comments and community discussion
- Fiction, scene, and dialogue
- Mixed-pattern case studies

## Informational and encyclopedic prose

### 1. Significance without evidence

**Before:** The bridge’s completion marked a pivotal moment in the region’s evolving transportation landscape.

**After:** When the bridge opened in 1964, the bus route to Cedar Point became 11 miles shorter.

**Why:** The after names a measured consequence. If the route change is not sourced, stop at the opening date.

### 2. Etymology inflated into identity

**Before:** The spelling change highlights the enduring legacy of the settlers and the community’s profound sense of unity.

**After:** County maps adopted the spelling “Marston” in 1908; earlier maps used “Marsden.”

**Why:** The records establish spelling, not unity.

### 3. Generic ecosystem filler

**Before:** Although its conservation status is unknown, the frog plays a vital role in the ecosystem and may face threats from pollution and habitat loss.

**After:** No conservation assessment was identified in the supplied sources.

**Why:** Hypothetical threats and ecological roles require evidence.

### 4. Source coverage as notability

**Before:** The architect has been profiled in numerous prestigious national and regional media outlets.

**After:** In a 2022 profile, *Southwest Builder* reported that Ng designed the school around an existing mesquite grove.

**Why:** Tell the reader what the source establishes.

### 5. Active social media presence

**Before:** The council maintains an active social media presence and regularly engages with the community.

**After:** The council posts meeting cancellations on Facebook and streams hearings on YouTube.

**Why:** Name the relevant function or delete the sentence.

### 6. Population plus decorative analysis

**Before:** The 2020 census counted 18,414 residents, creating a lively and dynamic community.

**After:** The 2020 census counted 18,414 residents, up from 16,902 in 2010.

**Why:** A population count does not prove liveliness.

### 7. Abstract debate

**Before:** The memorial has sparked broader conversations about memory, identity, and belonging in the modern city.

**After:** At the June hearing, three residents asked the city to add the names of the displaced tenants.

**Why:** Replace an ambient “conversation” with participants and actions.

### 8. Challenges and future prospects

**Before:** Despite its success, the port faces several challenges. Continued investment and innovation will help it remain a vital hub for generations to come.

**After:** The north berth cannot accept ships longer than 260 meters. The port authority will vote on the dredging contract in September.

**Why:** State the constraint and decision.

### 9. List title treated as an entity

**Before:** The “List of films set in Mesa County” is a curated compilation of cinematic works connected to the region.

**After:** Films set in Mesa County include *Dry River* (1974), *Copper Line* (1998), and *Night Orchard* (2021).

**Why:** Begin with the subject matter, not a definition of the page title.

## Research and academic prose

### 10. Vocabulary cluster

**Before:** This study meticulously delves into the intricate interplay between housing instability and the broader educational landscape.

**After:** This study tests whether students who move during the school year miss more class days.

**Why:** Name the question.

### 11. Nominalization stack

**Before:** The implementation of the intervention facilitated the enhancement of participant engagement.

**After:** After the clinic added text reminders, appointment attendance rose from 71 to 78 percent.

**Why:** Restore actor, action, and result.

### 12. Abstract method praise

**Before:** The robust methodology provides valuable insights into a complex and evolving phenomenon.

**After:** The study links 12 years of payroll records to quarterly injury reports; it excludes contractors.

**Why:** Describe the method and limit.

### 13. Overstated consensus

**Before:** Researchers widely agree that remote work has transformed productivity.

**After:** Two studies in the review found higher output for call-center staff; three found no change for software teams.

**Why:** Preserve disagreement and domain.

### 14. False causal bridge

**Before:** Scores rose after the workshop, highlighting its effectiveness in fostering critical thinking.

**After:** Scores rose by four points after the workshop. Because the study had no comparison group, it cannot attribute the change to the workshop.

**Why:** Separate observation from causal inference.

### 15. Formulaic conclusion

**Before:** In conclusion, these findings underscore the critical importance of continued research in this rapidly evolving field.

**After:** The study did not test participants over 65; the next sample should include them.

**Why:** End on the specific limit or next test.

## Professional and project communication

### 16. Formal preamble

**Before:** I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to provide a comprehensive update regarding the current status of the implementation initiative.

**After:** The import is two days late because the vendor file contains duplicate account IDs.

**Why:** Lead with the update.

### 17. Canned compliance assurance

**Before:** We have revised the document to ensure clarity, accuracy, neutrality, and full compliance with all applicable standards.

**After:** We removed the unsourced revenue projection and corrected the contract date to May 3.

**Why:** Name the changes.

### 18. Project update rule of three

**Before:** The new workflow will improve clarity, collaboration, and efficiency across the organization.

**After:** Requests now have one owner, one due date, and a visible approval history.

**Why:** The second three-part list maps to actual fields.

### 19. Vague blocker

**Before:** The project faces several challenges that may impact the timeline moving forward.

**After:** Legal has not approved the data-retention clause. Without approval by Thursday, the August 1 launch will move.

**Why:** State owner, dependency, and consequence.

### 20. Inflated edit summary

**Before:** Comprehensive revision to improve readability, flow, structure, tone, and source alignment while preserving all key information.

**After:** Moved the pricing caveat beside the estimate and removed duplicate background.

**Why:** Make the summary proportional to the edit.

## Marketing and product copy

### 21. Seamless innovation

**Before:** Our groundbreaking platform empowers modern teams with a seamless, intuitive, and robust collaboration experience.

**After:** Assign the review, see who has responded, and keep the decision beside the file.

**Why:** Show the workflow.

### 22. Commitment claim

**Before:** The new packaging showcases our unwavering commitment to sustainability.

**After:** The new carton uses 40 percent less plastic by weight than the 2025 package.

**Why:** Give the buyer a verifiable change.

### 23. No-friction slogan

**Before:** No clutter, no complexity, just effortless productivity.

**After:** The editor opens to your last draft and saves automatically every 30 seconds.

**Why:** Replace dramatic negation with behavior.

### 24. Heritage luxury copy

**Before:** A timeless silhouette pays homage to the brand’s rich legacy while boldly shaping the future of mobility.

**After:** The 2027 model keeps the 1962 split grille and adds a 310-mile electric drivetrain.

**Why:** The concrete contrast carries the heritage story.

### 25. Unsupported customer love

**Before:** Beloved by creators worldwide, the tool has become an essential part of the modern creative landscape.

**After:** More than 6,000 paid accounts exported a project last month.

**Why:** Use a real adoption metric, or remove the popularity claim.

## UX writing

### 26. Vague benefit button

**Before:** `Unlock insights`

**After:** `View weekly report`

**Why:** Name the destination.

### 27. Error without recovery

**Before:** Something went wrong. Please try again later.

**After:** We couldn’t save the invoice. Your entries are still here. Try again or download a copy.

**Why:** State what failed, what is safe, and what the user can do.

### 28. Confirmation hype

**Before:** Success! You’ve taken a powerful step toward transforming your financial future.

**After:** Budget created. Add income to see what remains after bills.

**Why:** Confirm the state and next action.

### 29. Overhelpful empty state

**Before:** Welcome! This is where your amazing projects will appear. Get started by creating your first project today!

**After:** No projects yet. Create a project or import one from a file.

**Why:** Respect the user’s attention.

## Teaching and instructional writing

### 30. Declared importance

**Before:** It is crucial for students to understand the importance of evaluating sources carefully.

**After:** Before citing a source, identify who made it, when it was updated, and what evidence supports its claim.

**Why:** Turn a value into an action.

### 31. Decorative overview

**Before:** In this exciting lesson, we will delve into the fascinating world of photosynthesis.

**After:** By the end of the lesson, you will trace how carbon dioxide becomes sugar in a leaf.

**Why:** State the learning task.

### 32. Three generic objectives

**Before:** Students will explore, understand, and appreciate the complex role of water in society.

**After:** Students will compare household water use in two neighborhoods and explain one difference using the city dataset.

**Why:** Make performance observable.

## Profiles and biographies

### 33. Generic pioneer

**Before:** Cole was a visionary leader whose groundbreaking contributions left a lasting legacy.

**After:** Cole opened the county’s first night clinic in 1978 and kept it open until 2 a.m. on mill-pay Fridays.

**Why:** A particular practice reveals more than praise.

### 34. Low-profile speculation

**Before:** Little is known about Ibarra’s family because she maintains a private personal life.

**After:** The supplied interviews do not discuss Ibarra’s family.

**Why:** Do not infer motive from missing sources.

### 35. Media list

**Before:** His expertise has been featured in *Metro News*, *Today Local*, *The Ledger*, and numerous other prominent outlets.

**After:** In *The Ledger*, he argued that the city should meter commercial wells before restricting household use.

**Why:** Use the relevant statement.

## Comments and community discussion

### 36. Imaginary misconception

**Before:** This is not just a sourcing issue; it is a systemic failure of fairness, inclusion, and accountability.

**After:** The draft cites the organization’s press release for all three disputed claims. We need an independent source or we should remove them.

**Why:** Return to the actionable issue.

### 37. Policy performance

**Before:** My edits fully adhere to the community’s standards of neutrality, verifiability, and collaborative good faith.

**After:** I removed “corrupt” because the source says “under investigation.” The funding sentence still needs a citation.

**Why:** Specific conduct beats assurance.

### 38. Hostile flourish

**Before:** This is not a debate; it is a surgical teardown of weak logic hiding behind fake neutrality.

**After:** The cited policy does not apply here because the article is about an organization, not a living person.

**Why:** Explain the rule without theater.

## Fiction, scene, and dialogue

### 39. Abstract grief

**Before:** Mara felt a profound sense of loss as the old house stood as a testament to everything time had taken from her.

**After:** Mara set two cups on the table before she remembered.

**Why:** The action lets the reader infer loss. Use only if it belongs to the character and scene.

### 40. Generic atmosphere

**Before:** The forest whispered ancient secrets as moonlight danced across a tapestry of shadows.

**After:** Sap stuck to Niko’s palm. Somewhere beyond the trail, a shopping cart rattled once and stopped.

**Why:** Specific, incongruous details create place.

### 41. Expository dialogue

**Before:** “As you know, Elena, our family has guarded this lighthouse for three generations, and tonight marks a pivotal turning point.”

**After:** “Your grandfather never locked the lamp room.” Elena held up the new brass key. “Why did you?”

**Why:** Conflict carries the history.

### 42. Symmetrical character voice

**Before:** Every character explains motives in complete, balanced sentences.

**After:** Give each speaker a different pressure response: one evades, one interrupts, one answers too literally, one changes the subject.

**Why:** Voice comes from choices under pressure, not random slang.

## Mixed-pattern case studies

### Case A: Town introduction

**Before:** Nestled in the heart of the scenic Amber Valley, Bellweather stands as a vibrant testament to the region’s rich cultural heritage. From its charming streets to its diverse community, the town offers a unique tapestry of experiences, making it a pivotal hub in the evolving landscape of rural tourism.

**Diagnosis:** brochure opening; `stands as`; significance claim; `vibrant`, `rich heritage`, `tapestry`, `pivotal`, `evolving landscape`; rule of three; no verifiable fact.

**After:** Bellweather is a town of 2,814 people on the Amber River. Its commercial block includes nine brick storefronts built after the 1911 fire.

**Verification needed:** population date and historic-district source.

### Case B: Product announcement

**Before:** We are thrilled to unveil a groundbreaking update that not only streamlines your workflow but also empowers your team to collaborate more effectively, fostering a seamless experience and setting the stage for future innovation.

**Diagnosis:** corporate emotion; `groundbreaking`; negative parallelism; abstract benefits; trailing participle; `seamless`; future uplift.

**After:** Reviewers can now comment on a file without downloading it. Existing links will keep working.

**Verification needed:** link behavior in production.

### Case C: Research paragraph

**Before:** Additionally, the findings underscore the intricate interplay between socioeconomic factors and educational outcomes, highlighting the crucial role of robust interventions in fostering equitable opportunities for diverse learners.

**Diagnosis:** transition opener; dense watch-list vocabulary; vague `factors`; fact-free interpretation; trailing participle; moral conclusion without measured result.

**After:** Students who changed schools twice were absent six more days on average. The study did not measure why they moved or test an intervention.

**Verification needed:** group definition, effect size, and study limit.

### Case D: Community comment

**Before:** Thank you for your thoughtful feedback. You're absolutely right that sourcing is important. However, it is not just about adding citations; it is about ensuring that the article aligns with the community's core values of neutrality, verifiability, and collaboration. I remain committed to working together constructively. Please let me know if there is anything else I can clarify.

**Diagnosis:** canned agreement; imaginary contrast; policy tricolon; assurance; chatbot closing; no response to the disputed claim.

**After:** The source supports the 2019 opening date but not the claim that the center was the first in the state. I’ll remove “first” unless another source confirms it.

**Verification needed:** whether the other editor disputed any additional sentence.
